“Friendship with oneself is all important, because, without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the World. “
– Eleanor Roosevelt
A new and healthy relationship begins with you. Many associate relationship with someone outside of themselves. Fairy Tales teach that life is about finding “Our Knight In Shining Armor”; only then can we live happily ever after. The other side of this is “we have to kiss a lot of toads before finding our knight”.
Our last blog mentioned that each relationship is a part of you, each relationship teaches you something about yourself, and each relationship draws you closer to true happiness. Peace is found within, not without; know yourself at all levels.
You are the sum of all of your parts – your younger child, your rebellious teenager, and your adventurous adult. You are your own soul mate.
Create a foundation of self before others. Without a firm foundation, it is difficult to build a solid house. Firm foundations require you accept who you are in this moment – the victim, the hero, the intellect, the Don Juan. This baseline shows your strengths and limits, not weaknesses. Weaknesses are only ideas that you have not yet had the courage to look at. Think about your strengths and what you offer to others. Now look at the weaknesses that you believe you have. This is where the work begins. Why do you believe these gaps exist? What holds you back from establishing the wholeness within? What crumbles your foundation? WHY? These are keys to self-empowerment. Learn what you will accept, what you will tolerate then create healthy boundaries of self-worth. The Bible teaches us to “love ourselves as we love our neighbors”.
Stop Denying Yourself. You have the right to be here and the right to love and be loved. Self-love opens doors to what you truly want in life. Your wounded child feels incomplete. Go back to that 3 year old who feels denied; nourish him/her. Buy a small jigsaw puzzle and put the pieces together. Go to a playground, observe. Get in touch with the part of you that feels wounded. Denying him/her leads to self-doubt, manipulation, and an “I can’t attitude”. Nurturing this inner child heals old wounds, creates healthy boundaries, and brings contentment. Nothing outside of you can heal this wound. Acknowledging the wound exists produces desire, rather than need. With desire the Universe works in your favor. It is through desire, not need, that the right people come forward. Self-love is so important. Be grateful; appreciate your own company, and your life.
Step out of your comfort zone. We all love our comfort zone. But in love, especially continuously failed love, you repeat patterns rather than grow from them. Many times it comes back to the idea that something within you is missing. Stepping out of your comfort zone involves taking a risk, putting yourself out there, speaking your truth, all while standing firm in your foundation. You have to trust the process, especially when it seems uncertain. Usually what you fear the most is exactly what you need to pursue. What you fear is often what you look for in others. Face the fear and admit you have what it takes to overcome this fear. Some fear being vulnerable, some fear trusting, some fear opening themselves to new things. Take small steps, as these will help you form a more secure foundation.
Be prepared to get a little dirty, not sexually but emotionally.
We learn who we truly are, our strengths, our limitations, our boundaries, our foundation, through our emotions. What really drives you? What makes you angry? What makes you happy? All of these questions help you see who you are at the deepest levels. Through emotions, you gain knowledge of self – meaning you won’t be taken advantage of or manipulated by others. Your biggest fear is most likely your greatest strength.
Know what you are looking for. It is the inner child, the one who feels denied or smothered in life, who is partly responsible for your relationship successes or failures. Acknowledging that this inner child exists, and then nurturing this inner child opens doors of self that have long been overlooked. Stop denying your inner child; his/her desires are real and available.
So, let it all go, pave the way (we are all pioneers seeking wholeness), create a relationship with yourself, embrace the road ahead and never, ever settle for being 2nd best.