Sometimes people come into our lives to show us the better part of ourselves.
I remember it as though it were yesterday. The impression left within my heart remains that strong.
But it was over 15 years ago I thought I had found my “one true love”.
Like many, I had read stories relating the idea of what “true love, soul mates and twin flames” would feel like. And I was sure this was it.
The initial hunch was like nothing I had ever felt before, like a waltz from Disney’s Cinderella, though I had no idea how to dance.
It began innocently enough. Introduced by a mutual friend from church, my soul mate and I set out on a journey that would take us to the core of our souls – a core of personal places long denied.
I realize now this journey through the heart was a means to help us see our own desires as well as insecurities.
It took a while to reign in that first kiss but when it arrived the electricity coursing through my soul opened crevices within me I had never felt before.
I felt alive!!!
For the first time I sensed “real love” and all it had been described to be.
Sex was fantastic, like nothing ever imagined. It was raw, intimately physical and it was emotional.
The whimsical magnetism of the relationship walked a fine line between intimacy and sex, self and other, doubt and fear.
It was as though we were connected from the top of our heads to the bottoms of our soles.
And we were. From out of the ether emerged two souls, unique in nature, reaching out for their better half.
We finished each other’s sentences, read each other’s minds. When alone, few words seemed necessary as instinctively we flowed from one space to another.
It was like magic.
Lyrics vibrated with the sound of what our hearts were feeling.
Lonestar’s Amazed, one of the greatest songs from the era, resonated deep within, drawing us closer to one another.
“Every time our eyes meet, this feeling inside me is almost more than I can take.
Baby when you touch me, I can feel how much you love me, and it just blows me away.
I’ve never been this close to anyone or anything – I can hear your thoughts I can see your dreams.”
We harmonized with Tim McGraw and Faith Hill as we sang “It’s Your Love.
Our time together was special.
It was true, and it was real.
We both had dreams, desires, and passion. We wanted the world, but were we too young to hold it?
I was single; my soul mate was not. Her teenage children, young grandchildren and estranged husband offered insight into a world I had never played in before.
It was no longer two single people entertaining the idea of a relationship – it was a family of people working together to create space for potential unity, peace and harmony.
Each was searching for something, but we were from two totally different worlds.
Did we move forward? Could we move forward?
Could we take the measures necessary to see the truth behind what we were feeling?
Would we dip our toes in the water and flow with the uncertainty of what life was offering?
Throwing caution to the wind, we stepped into the abyss. No matter how confused our heads and hearts became, the Universe continuously seemed to pull us on the road to self-discovery.
Doors opened, questions arose.
The desire to become more exposed, more vulnerable, more alive with what I perceived to be my better half spoke louder than the messages my gut was providing.
“Dive in, see what happens” the ego said. Forget the intensity of the confusion, the denial of truth – this is your soul mate, the one you have searched for all your life.
Were we mature enough to embrace all that we were feeling?
The world with all its judgment, labels and misunderstanding said probably not.
Still, we had to be sure.
It seemed like years passed in what was probably only a few months. We had lived a lifetime, knowing each other better than we knew ourselves.
But after emerging back into the outside world, life, with its need for balance, familiarity and hurdles became challenging.
With this came confrontation.
We both wanted control, I detested change, we both had strong personalities, and we became jealous of something the other had.
We both needed to be needed, but what did we really want?
It was soon obvious we were uncomfortable in this world of chaos.
In a crowd we became outsiders to the other’s needs.
No matter who entered the equation, neither could admit how much we cared for the other.
Certainly this was a message we needed to hear, but one our hearts feared listening to.
Too much was at stake.
What part of ourselves were we willing to give up in order to make it all work?
We were afraid of our own shadow, the shadow of self we saw in the mirror.
Neither would compromise. The strain against our heart and head as we traversed the obstacles of everyday life intensified.
Mostly we were afraid of the love we felt at the deepest core of our souls.
We were afraid of failure, but we were also afraid of success.
And yes, we were anxious of how others perceived our situation. Pride is a strong enemy.
Communication became difficult; neither was strong enough to give in.
I began to do things I had never done before and would not do for other relationships, be they friends, past lovers or co-workers.
I allowed the relationship to interfere with work, life, my biological family and many decisions I would normally be solid on.
I had lost my footing, my balance. I gave my life over to another when what I needed most was to harvest my own strength, the guts to admit the truth, and find myself.
In the New Year, the year 2000, I took a job in Europe as a means of “getting away”. I was trying to save me while wondering if I might also save her.
We knew Europe would be difficult to handle. We had begun to struggle on US soil, how could we fathom a longer distance relationship abroad?
But we both tried.
Every 3 months she would visit for a few weeks at a time.
Travelling across Europe we stumbled upon castles on the hillsides, fests in the streets and together, we solemnly took in Concentration Camps from WWII.
These are times I will never forget. Even with the arguments, the need for control, and the insecurities – I know I would never have visited these places alone.
Things on both sides were tough.
Staying in Europe, I continued to disavow my own desires, ethics and morals as I drank myself to sleep each night. She was lonely, so was I.
We looked to the other for nourishment at the most internal level of our soul.
Old friends, those in love for many years, tried to explain: “love is about compassion, and compromise. It is about personal strength, independence with dependence, not losing oneself or playing the role of martyr in order to save another.”
Love is not about being “hell bent” to make it work when obviously it would not.
Finally in the spring of 2001, my spirit was full – we had had enough. In a brief flash of desperate conversation, it was over.
But it would not be until I arrived back in the States following the devastation of 9/11 that we would see things more clearly.
She was already dating another – my heart was still hurting from all that had happened.
I was as upset with myself as I was with her.
It was difficult to let go – I believed we still cared for each other. But time had run its course and we both needed more security than the other could provide.
Over the next two years, we would occasionally talk; the time lapse between these meetings expanded following each conversation.
It has probably been 6 years or more now since we last sat together in the same room. She arrived at my home for a girl’s day in.
For the first time in a long while, we spent most of the day and evening together without argument, without prejudice, without bias.
We reminisced as we looked at pictures of our travels through Europe. We apologized, as we held ourselves accountable for the pain we had caused each other, as well as the pain we inflicted upon ourselves.
It was on this day we knew we had grown up – we talked, we laughed, and we shared parts of our souls without a kiss, without a bedroom, without a hurt.
This was a first.
This day reminded me of the story told in Dan Fogelberg’s song Same Old Lang Syne – we drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now.
We had come a long way.
She returned to her own world, happily settling down with her husband, kids and grandkids. I am happy for her – her safety, security and freedom.
I’ve learned a lot about myself these past 15 years.
Without this relationship, with all of its ups and downs, I would never have looked within to find the real me.
This rocky road was a mirror reflection of what I had long denied within my own soul – my heart.
Without this meeting I may never have found the road or my passion to help others understand that what we seek from others is what is already inside of us.
How many of us look outside of ourselves for completion?
I had long denied my own feminine, believing she was weak and unable. I had long denied the opportunity to love and be loved.
The mirror reflection I saw through this encounter showed me an internal strength I never realized was available from a personal point of view.
The mirror reflection showed me it is my feminine side that is my best friend; it was time to let go of the masculine rigidity and find wholeness.
Mrs. Deborah Graham in her book, Get Your Head Out Of Your App, describes it this way:
Soul Mates read you, connect with you and feel you. While it is important for you to meet this person in this life as a way of gaining understanding for oneself, the relationship and friendship will most likely never work out.
It is the Twin Flame that comes along once in a lifetime to offer pure completion, not the soul mate.
I hold no grudge, no blame and no remorse for all I went through in the two years or so we tried to make it work.
I will always love this person for who she is now, who she was then and who she helped me to see I was to be in this life.
In many ways it was this soul mate twist of fate that promoted my studies into the emotional side of ailments and illness. This relationship taught me so much about self-imposed emotional let downs and their relationship to childhood trauma.
I thank God for this journey and what was once a very painful and hurtful time in my life. And I thank the woman for whom I write this letter.
Most of all, I thank God for bringing someone into my life who could introduce me to myself.
Susan is an alternative and intuitive healer whose desire is to help you find the best person you can be. For more information on Susan, click here.